Kitchen calamity

Falafel salad200

Workplace perfidy inspired this. With apologies to Babes in the Wood.


My dears do you know – sad tale of woe!
How a salad of falafel and avocado
Was left in a fridge on a warm Thursday eve
To be enjoyed the next day, or so I believed.

The broccoli was verdant, the pomegranate inviting,
The hue of the beetroot was frankly quite frightening.
And on a bed of brown rice laid lovingly down
Two turmeric falafels – the jewels in the crown!

But when Friday came round, so sad was the sound
Of soft lunch-time crying and sorrow unbound.
For swift in the night and with malice unbeaten
The salad was opened. The salad was eaten.

So ends a sad tale of a kitchen amiss
And if we learn something please let it be this:
To use a work fridge and to keep from a shock,
First place food in a lunchbox, then secure with a lock!

Post office services go postal

Post office

A visit to the local post office, where changes are afoot:

Me: Can you stick the address label over the existing address on the parcel please. I’ve just reused old packaging and it will be confusing otherwise.

Post Office worker: Oh we don’t produce address labels, just the postage label.

Me: OK, can I buy some sticky labels then to put over the address?

PO worker: We don’t sell sticky labels.

Me (slightly taken aback): But, but, you’re a post office. Surely you sell them?

PO worker (shrugs): We never have. I can give you a scrap of paper and some tape to stick over it if you like?

Me: Well, yes please – otherwise it will go to the wrong place. Can I buy a biro to write on it?

PO worker (grips own pen a little tighter): We don’t sell them.

Me: I, but, post office, thought, erm, can I borrow yours?

…PO worker hands over pen like it’s gold-encrusted and transaction continues and concludes…

PO Worker: Can I ask who provides your internet service at home?

Me (naively): You can but, why?

PO worker (eyes lighting up): Ah because we now offer a range of internet services, including latest optical fibre cabling at very competitive prices. We even offer insurance, mortgages, credit cards and more. We’re not just “the Post Office” anymore!

Me: Well, if you don’t sell pens or sticky labels or produce address labels don’t you think you should just work on being a better post office for a bit longer?

PO worker (snatches back pen): Have a nice day. NEXT!

Toe trauma

Stubbed toe

You rushed along,
You were too quick!
Your toe stuck out a little bit.

Your foot missed its mark
And caught the frame.
That bloody floor-polish was to blame.

You see toe strike.
You feel sick.
The clock holds back its final tick.

You stare in horror
As time slows down.
The air grows thick and close around.

You see toe crumple
At a monstrous angle.
Bits of nail appear to dangle.

You grit your teeth.
Blood at temple pounds
Blotting out all other sounds.

You know what’s coming
But all stays still.
Can pain be deferred by pure act of will?

A second’s grace
Seems to stretch for hours
As you invoke your superpowers.

But a clock’s second-hand
Won’t long be stayed
And the next minute thereby is now displayed.

As pain explodes
Your tears are streaming.
You’re surprised to note some distant screaming.

One single thought
Now ousts all others;
A piece of sagely advice of Mother’s.

What did she say
When we were nippers?
Do not run, and wear your slippers!

You’re in trouble

Yogi meowing

The vet says that Yogi needs to have his urine tested for kidney function.
We have to use special cat litter in a tray and shut him in with it until he goes.
The urine will then float on top of litter to be syringed off and brought back to the vet within 12 hours.

Are you taking the piss? I asked him.
No, but you will be, he replied.

Naked jogging

Bum crack

Top life hack. Buy tracksuit bottoms that are slightly too long in the leg for you and you’re treading on the ends.

When you climb the stairs to bed you will find that the bottoms have removed themselves for you along with your pants, saving time in getting straight into bed.

You’re the one I want, money!


With apologies to Grease…

I got bills, they’re multiplying
And I’m losing control.
For the power they’re supplying
The cost is terrifying!

Better earn more, ’cause I need a break
In the best of Monaco’s hotels.
Better earn more, more than a crude-oil Sheikh
To buy this jacket with gold lamé lapels;
And the matching earrings won’t buy themselves.

You’re the one I want
You are the one I want
Oh Oh Oh, money!
You’re the one I want
You are the one I want
Oh Oh Oh, the one that I need
Oh yes indeed!

I got pipes, the seals are leaking,
And my roof is pouring rain!
I got chairs whose springs are peeking
And my bum will never be the same.

Better earn more, ’cause I have expensive taste;
Pâté de foie gras washed down with Krug Champagne.
Better earn more, every year I have my boobs replaced
And my face pumped with polyurethane;
It doesn’t last, but numbs the pain.

You’re the one I want
You are the one I want
Oh Oh Oh, money!
You’re the one I want
You are the one I want
Oh Oh Oh, the one that I need
Oh yes indeed!

Sound not found


Tried to find the name of a tune that’s driving me mad by humming at Soundhound song recognition app. One suggestion was “No idea” by a Japanese singer and another was “Speak my language” by the Cure.

I think it’s being sarcastic.