Situation Vacant

A pile of filing on a table creaks.
A crumpled bag of washing reeks.
An unused Hoover round a corner peeks.
An unwashered tap in the bathroom leaks.

An abandoned sock on the floor’s alone.
An unironed heap has hidden the phone.
Unchecked moss on the decking has grown.
Oh won’t someone come help me clean this home?

One of the cats has just been sick,
So I’ll have to rush and mop it quick
Or I’ll find that the other has eaten it.
Oh. Too late. The little sh..kitty kit.

I don’t ask much, just a wipe or two
Over the smear of spilt Irish stew
That has now congealed and turned to glue
And gained a beautiful rainbow hue.

We work all week to pay the bills
In pursuit of intellectual thrills
But that doesn’t mean we have the skills
To cope with domestic slops and spills.

I can’t offer much, just an hourly wage
And a kiss from a man at breaking stage
With cleaning skills best termed teenage
Whose whitest shirts have long turned to beige.

So I’ll send a car once a fortnight
To whisk you over to this bombsite.
Please bring own teeth and a flashlight.
You are coming over… right?

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