Whisky woes

whisky

 
Graham has an expensive bottle of whisky in the cupboard, and I have an expensive bottle of brandy. Graham poured himself one of his whiskies and offered me one.
 
 
 
When I’d had finished it:

Me: Would you like one of my brandies?
Graham: Oh, I didn’t offer you a whisky just for a brandy in return.
Me, turning away to get on with something: Oh good.
Graham: !!!!

Bus racism rage

Angry bus

 
 
 
I gave up my seat on the bus to an old woman, and then she started chatting to the man next to her about how dirty the bus was.

“Of course it’s because they’re all cleaned by bloody foreigners now,” she opined.

So I shoved her off the seat on to the floor and said, “I’ll have the dirty foreign-cleaned seat back then.”

Not reeeely, but I bloody felt like it.

Karma is a bitch

yin-yang
They tell us Karma’s a bitch, but also our best friend.
It all depends on how our inclinations blend.
For a day of good luck we take Gran out to dinner
Then bugger it all by breaking a mirror.

In life’s balance half rises as the other half dips,
And a stranger’s nadir is our solar eclipse.
The wishing-well in our garden, fished by a gnome,
Will recall to the vagrant his distance from home.

For every bad habit too pernicious to kick it
Someone else wins a thousandth of a lottery ticket.
And when bird-shit hits dropped from above
We thank our lucky stars we’ll be the object of love.
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Where are you from?

globe

When you’re scrolling through a web sign-up page, the only thing more annoying than not knowing if they’ve got your country down as “Great Britain”, “United Kingdom”, “Britain”, or “England” is seeing that they have decided to go against alpha-numeric equity and put “United States” first! Sorry US friends, but it pisses me off!

#firstworldproblems.

Situation Vacant

Maid
A pile of filing on a table creaks.
A crumpled bag of washing reeks.
An unused Hoover round a corner peeks.
An unwashered tap in the bathroom leaks.

An abandoned sock on the floor’s alone.
An unironed heap has hidden the phone.
Unchecked moss on the decking has grown.
Oh won’t someone come help me clean this home?

One of the cats has just been sick,
So I’ll have to rush and mop it quick
Or I’ll find that the other has eaten it.
Oh. Too late. The little sh..kitty kit.

I don’t ask much, just a wipe or two
Over the smear of spilt Irish stew
That has now congealed and turned to glue
And gained a beautiful rainbow hue.
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Cooking up a minefield

cookbook

Graham has decided that I should grade everything he cooks from 1-10 as he’s got a new cookbook and wants to know what’s best. This can only end in tears. Mine.

I tried saying 10 for everything and was told off. I proffered a 7 for the Thai beef noodle soup and now he isn’t talking to me.

Why not, asked Knot

Knot Telling

Why everyone should like my friend Knot Telling’s blog at tellingknots.com and facebook page at facebook.com/tellingknots30.

 
Have you not liked Telling knots?
Asked Knot and if not,
Why not? Asked Knot.
For this site knocks the spots
Off other pages and blogs
Turns leopards into springboks,
Said Knot.

Didn’t you know, asked Knot,
That this site knocks the socks
Off cheer-leaders and jocks
Makes wannabe Hitchcocks
Push “snooze” on their clocks
Turns ordinary hacks into laughing-stocks,
Asked Knot.

Yes I do, replied Tim,
For the chances are slim
That it couldn’t charm cherubim
Fill a half-full glass to the brim
Mechanise kibbutzim
Captivate, fascinate, and infatuate homonyms.
All should like Telling Knots, replied Tim.

A smelly wait

perfume

Waiting for the bus and the woman standing next to me had really sweet, sickly perfume. “What smelly perfume,” I thought to myself.

Or rather, I thought I’d thought to myself. After a second I realised with horror that I’d said it out loud. And the bus was delayed.

That made for an interesting, awkward, resentment-filled wait…